Other names: Dawn Chorus , Tweet Factor, Get the Flock Out of Here, What the Flock!?

The scene:

The Aviary, London Zoo. Various birds are auditioning for a panel of bird judges:

Simon Owl: More interested in trying to wit and to woo the contestants than judge them

Sharon Oztrich: Does her best to be as diplomatic as possible but can’t help laughing out loud when things get really bad.

Louis Belch: A long-tailed tit who’s more interested in outwitting Owl than judging the contestants

All aspects of TV talent shows should be parodied: The background on the contestants , the long queues stretching into the streets to get in to the aviary, the waiting, the audition itself and the breaking of good or bad news to bird families waiting anxiously outside.

Two categories:
Dawn Chorus - acapella groups doing their signature bird songs Solo artists - doing their versions of popular songs , backed by a live band of birds.

It’s the early elimination rounds of Flock Idols and we’re listening to the solo artists:

The girls:
Holly Woodpecker - sings ‘When Doves Cry’
She does this amazingly complex drum solo by tap-dancing on the snare drum while pecking on the hi-hat. Also flies between the other drums to create incredibly complex rhythms. Unbelievable. You gotta see this.

Shakira Terry - a secretary bird with big breasts
Sings: Whenever, Wherever ...we should flock together

Peacock Teza - gorgeous bird who knows how to use what she has to get where she needs to go. (Song to be decided)

Mandy Duck - from a duck pond in the aviary she sings to someone throwing bread:
‘Why does bread suddenly appear every time you are near?’

Weather Fukawai - Asian bird with a song that sounds like her name

Cuckoo Potty - complete nutter who’s all over the place. Chirps a thousand words a minute and flies off on tangents, literally. Sings ‘Dilly Moggy Whacky Bazarro’ , one of her own compositions, even though its against the rules.

Amy Birdhouse - a gorgeous flamingo with tattoos and an outrageous birds nest of a hairdo. Sings ‘Birdbath’ :
They tried to make me take a birdbath, I say NO NO NO
They tried to make me take a birdbath, I won’t GO GO GO

Flock of Seagulls - bunch of teenage yobs squawking loudly out of tune but in time to ‘Acceptable In the 80’s’ (Calvin Harris). They have some amazing choreography worked out but are stopped halfway through when they’re told they should be in the groups section.

Robin Titmouse - a transpecies birdmouse who’s had wing surgery in a desperate attempt to be accepted as a bird. Sings ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’

Before we introduce the guys, we go into ‘You’ll never find another Dove’ , a duet sung by two gorgeous white doves (original by Michael Buble & Laura Pausini)

The guys:
Homer Pigeon - works as an extra and stunt bird in movies.
Most dangerous stunt was getting shot out of a tree by Bart Simpson in the Mother Bart episode  Sings: ‘Home’ by Michael Buble

Guinness Fowl - fowlmouthed punk rocker who sings ‘Firestarter’

Yatsu Sushimi - Japanese robin
Sings ‘Everybody was Earthworm Fighting’

Avner Crowsky - orthodox Jewish crow with a long beak. Sings Hassidic songs

Vic Vulture - Sings ‘Eat You Alive’ by Limp Bizkit

Robbie Cockpecker - very camp gay robin who sings ‘Fly me to the moon’

Johnny Baldeagle - American crooner with a voice like Michael Buble.
Sings ‘Come Fly With Me’

Repeter Parrot - sings repetitive club tracks and then repeats everything Simon Owl says, so all his insults fly straight back at him.

Shaggy Blackbird - rapper (rap song to be decided)

Simon: What was that?
Blackbird: That’s my courting solo, it works every time
MMovies:
Turkey Masala: Before Turkey’s audition we see a short flockumentary about his family who was killed in the British Xmas persecution of 2004.
Masala managed to escape and stowed away in a passenger cruise liner bound for India where he now practises yoga and works for the Turkey Rights Organisation. He’s using Flock Idols as a platform to campaign against Thanksgiving, Xmas and bird flu culling persecutions around the world.

His band, The Vegans, are booked to perform with other animals at LIVESTOCK, a rock concert raising awareness about animal conservation
[see notes below]

SHOWTIME:

MALE VO: Live from The Aviary, London Zoo, it’s Flock Idols: the search for the nest big thing [cue theme music]
[cue opening production number - ‘Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher’ featuring
The Fabulous Flamingo Girls backed by Nando’s Chicken Dancers doing the chicken dance. The two songs should be cut, superimposed and blended together]

VO: Please welcome your host for the evening, Afrikahn Peng Wahn

Afrikahn: [Chris Rock doing shtick] Yo yo mah main flock, wsup. I just flew in from The South Pole and boy are my wings tired. [audience laughter]
Well I would have flown, but all the flights were booked up [laughter]
I’m kidding, I’m not from Antarctica - I’m from Robben Island South Africa....
[a few other penguins in the audience whistle and applaud]
Oh I see I have a few of my South African brothers out there. Good job we’re black AND white huh? [laugh] Talk about the best of both worlds. But we don’t get to fly though. That sucks big-time let me tell you. I walked into a travel shop the other day because the sign on the window said ‘fly now, pay later’ . [laughter]
I said I’m here for the deal in the window, they said great, where do you want to go?
I said what’s it to you? [laughter] They said ‘okay what date would you like to fly and when would you like to return?’ I said ‘listen here, you don’t seem to understand me. I want to fly wherever I want to go and whenever I like, you got that?’ [Laughter]
They couldn’t help me, so I walked out. Saw another sign in a shop that said
‘£20 free airtime voucher... for all phones over £50’ [laughter]
I thought great, I’m done with swimtime, gimme some of that airtime, baby. [laughter]
Forget the phone, just hit me with an airtime voucher and let me pay as I go....
without any contractual obligations. [laughter]
I want it all! They said ‘sorry, offer not valid for penguins or ostriches’ [laughter]
It’s just not fair, we don’t get no airtime. Fish gotta swim like a bird’s gotta fly, am I right? [huge ‘yeah’ from the birds perched on branches above him]
Oh easy for you to chirp, isn’t? Way up there in the expensive seats [laughter]
What I’d only give for that birds eye view [ no laughter] Birds eye view? Hello? You don’t like that one? Never mind, move on...

So I’m living in the zoo now, on a tiny island in the penguin pool called Chris Rock. You may have heard of it? [cut to confused reaction shot of birds not getting the joke] Yeah I just waddled over here from CHRIS ROCK in the penguin pool - man is it good to be out of that verkakte place. Look at this place, I feel like I’ ve died and gone to the Canary Islands. [laughter]
[sfx of a whistle coming from the production manager stage right]
They’re flapping their wings here, telling me I gotta get on with the show.
[looks again] What’s that you say? Go to the water queue? Why would I do that?
I’m not thirsty. What? Oh, you want me to go the autocue? Gotcha, [mumbling under his breath] (African Jackass)
[straining his eyes to read] Welcome to the very first episode of Flock Idols, the search for the nest big thing. Oh please, who writes this stuff? NEST BIG THING?
[massive scream from production backstage] JUST READ THE AUTOCUE!
Okay okay, jeeze keep your feathers on [goes back to autocue]
Please welcome our first celebrity guest: Beep Beep the Roadrunner -

[Beep runs on, faces the audience, gives a ‘beep beep’then runs off]

Afrikahn: What the flock was that? That’s not an act? That’s a one trick pigeon.
[laughter] What do you say we bring her back for a proper song?
[big YEAH from audience]

Flamingo Girls:
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back

Roadrunner enters with microphone, joining up with the Flamingo girls:

Baby you can fly me far
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can fly me far
And maybe I'll love you

All together:

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep YEAH

Afrikahn: Well what do you know? The beep can sing after all.
Still freaks me out though - that some very ordinary looking bird can be famous for a two word catchphrase, and you know they have to be fowl words right? Or why else would they keep beeping them out. [laughter]
You wanna know what they are? [looks around like he’s going for a big reveal] I’ll tell you, because she told me backstage:
[He mouths two words which are censored by regular beeps] [laughter]
How’s that huh? Famous for saying [beep sfx] and [beep sfx] [laughter]
That’s what I call a one trick pigeon.

[reading from autocue]
And now... won’t you please give it up for your favourite celebrity ducks,
who just recently came out the oak tree [looks at audience] as if we didn’t
know... Donald & Daffy

Donald & Daffy sing:

Start spreading your wings, we’re leaving today
We want to be a part of it - New York, New York
These vagabond wings are longing to stray
Downtown to the village, where everyone’s happy and gay

Afrikahn: We’re gonna take a short break, but don’t fly anywhere

Commercial break - campaign designed to curb bird deaths on roads:
Pigeon 1: ‘Hit me at 80 and I’ll look like this [cut to squashed bird in road]
Pigeon 2: ‘Hit me at 50 and I’ll look like this [cut to another squashed bird]
Pigeon 3: ‘Hit me at 10 and I’ll look like this [cut to another nasty squashed bird pic]
Bird to cam: My fellow flock - roads are for cars, we have wings - use them for flying!

Afrikahn: later on we have my brothers flying in from Warner: ‘Tweety and Sylvester’ . I know what you’re thinking, and we got it covered. Sylvester will be surrounded by heavily armed Eagle security guards at all times. But before we start swinging any cats around, lets bring on the contestants.

[Contestant section goes here]

The show closes with all the birds doing a funked up medley / superimposed mix of ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’ , ‘We believed we could fly’ and ‘We’re Flying The Flag for The Birds’ (Britain’s Eurovision 2007 Song Contest entry)